


Just Once, Look Back at Me...

by thiective



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: A continuation of 'Letting Go' and 'Afar...' from my Tumblr Collection., Aged Up, Anal Sex, Don’t copy to another site, Fingering, M/M, Post X/1999 au fic, Sakurazukamori!Subaru, Sort of Yandere!Subaru, handjob
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-10-11 17:04:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17450897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiective/pseuds/thiective
Summary: It began from seeing each other for the first time in a long while, and the roles have reversed. What started as reaching out for someone, they've stopped reaching out and started running. Now, you are the one chasing after them.





	1. I. Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I don't X/1999, CLAMP does.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The person you meet is across from you, they know you, but it's either hard or awkward to reconnect with them.

Kamui is unsure what he feels as he stares at the apathetic man in front of him. It’s not that he’s unfamiliar with the man who wears all black, it’s just…he’s isn’t sure as to how to react. Words of “Hey, how are you?” or “Where you’ve been? Do you know how worried we were-  _I_  was-?” couldn’t slip past his lips. Chewing on his lip, one of his habits that he had yet to stop doing since it’s past  _Promised Day_ , he tries to decide on what to do.

So he settles for nodding in greeting the man, he didn’t expect to be greeted back from the same gesture. Cause it was fine, he accepted that while there was faint of attraction in the past, it’s not what neither he nor that man needed in the present. Especially, if conversations will be filled or if they have to tiptoe around sensitive topics until either one of them feels comfortable. It’ll be wrong for him to think that the other doesn’t care, but does, just…

Except, the man didn’t see him, and it stung Kamui. It was a blink, and Kamui wasn’t surprised to see that Subaru wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t surprised at feeling a small stab of disappointment hurt, but then…

“…ro-kun?”

“…Shiro-kun?” Startled, Kamui nearly dropped his styrofoam cup of warm chocolate in his hands to see worried eyes of his classmate.

“Is everything alright?” From Keiichi’s voice, he tries to manage a smile, but it fails, only ending a small frown.

“It’s fine.” Brown eyes blink at him, tracing towards where Kamui was staring earlier, only finding blank space, before looking back at him.

“If you're sure…” Rolling his light violet eyes, Kamui sighs in fond exasperation. There is no need for Keiichi to worry about him. 

“It’s nothing.” Those two words, sounded unconvincing, even to his ears, but he manages to distract Keiichi from pressing any further. 

 _It’s just hard to let go of someone you know very well_.


	2. II. Afar...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We haven't talked, and the expression you give me is confusing the hell out of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: From Subaru’s point of view…

He never expected to see him or for either of them to cross paths. It was inevitable, but he honestly never expected to spot him out so soon after five years of ‘Promised Day’ where every building save for Tokyo Tower was crumbling away, and the streets were flooded by water, and Kamui covered in blood of his best friend, having found out what Fuuma’s wish for Kamui was too late.

He still remembers the look of horrified realization and the violet eyes didn’t register that he was slowly bleeding away. No, Subaru understood, Kamui didn’t acknowledge the cuts he received are making him suffer, and the emotional pain is far higher than physical. That was also when he is sure Kamui will be ok; he severed his ties to both Ten No Ryus and Chi No Ryus. 

Humans are versatile beings. They either find a way to pick themselves up or slip away. The last time he heard of others was that Karen went back to her new job. Satsuki’s legs were paralyzed for using too much of BEAST, and it took control of her legs before the fiery mistress managed to burn one of the wires linking the poor girl to the servers of BEAST. Yuuto decided on visiting his sister’s grave before deciding on what to do with Satsuki or his growing endearment for the former Soapland Employee. Kusanagi and Yuzuriha decided to talk to each about the nature of their relationship. Aoki agreed to speak with his ex-wife and explain everything to her. Arashi visited the temple where Sorata was taught in. Neither Hinoto nor Sorata survived that day, and while Subaru should feel some remorse for Sorata, he found himself feeling nothing.

The one person that Subaru didn’t hear about was Kamui. Either the Ten No Ryus and Chi No Ryus don’t talk about the remaining link to this reality or that Kamui asks not to be mentioned in any of the conversations and preferring to slip away from the magical history. The second made sense than the first. It doesn’t stop the worried curiosity of what happened to the lithe teen that seems to grow into someone that Subaru worries about.

Now, violet eyes look at him with surprise and full of emotion that Subaru has a hard time doubting on how to approach this. He didn’t have too, Kamui doesn’t speak and inclines a nod to him as if saying hello. This, Subaru, he doesn’t know how to handle. He expects some sort of flabbergasted expression or Kamui chasing after him, just never something like this…

So when Kamui blinks, he leaves with a frown, something is wrong, off, his mind concocts these answers. While he’ll have to settle with watching the twenty-year-old from afar, it won’t satisfy his curiosity that decides to rouse from the situation he had stumbled upon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Honestly was thinking of letting Subaru hear the convo between Keiichi and Kamui, but I think it’s best to let Subaru think some more before reaching out to Kamui and shaking him in asking what the hell is wrong with him?


	3. III. At Ends and Numb...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you are trying to forget someone, sometimes replacement is in order.

Kamui lays numb on a bed of used sheets.

_Mis-matched eyes look at him, unfeeling._

The body beside him stirs, he nearly flinches from the unfamiliar touch of a wandering hand creeps across his stomach.

_Gentle smile wilts and a frown stays._

Gently massages the skin, hand creep down and circles around his member in slow pleasurable strokes.

_Kindness and compassion echo from the body of eyes soulful of numb, grief and acceptance._

“So how do you want to do this?” The man beside him asks, whispers gently into his ear and nibbles his lips. He closes eyes and inhales sharply when one of the strokes reaches the top, and the other man’s thumb swipes over the tip and presses against it.

He wonders how a larger hand would feel around his cock.

“We can do this all day. You want me to blow you? Use my hand? Fuck you? Or deny you until you’re numb?” The man grins. He’s a borrowed man; one who gives others temporary happiness in the form of ecstasy. As if to emphasize his point, he hastens the rhythm, and it tears whimpers and a whine from Kamui’s throat.

_Gloves hands when uncovered are pale white; black hair nearly obscures his eyes._

Kamui grits his teeth and flips himself over and on top of the other’s body. He doesn’t have to look to know the man is eyeing him with an expression akin to amusement.

“Anything to make me forget!”

The man below him blinks and smirks. Hands flex against Kamui’s hips before he’s flipped back on to his back. Lips trail down his neck. His hips buck at the increased speed on his cock, slowing down so he can’t reach his high. It makes him frustrated and impatient and wanting more before finally speeding up again. He hears the click of the bottle of lube, and, with a quick motion, a slick finger enters him, making Kamui tense at the intrusion.

He wonders at the expression the other would see if he stumbles upon the scene. Would he- A sharp thrust again scatters his thoughts, with two slick fingers sliding and scissoring and, oh, brushing a bundle of nerves.

His body is writhing, struggling to hold himself and find any sanity from the amount of pleasure and denial he receives. Fingers curl inside him, pump him -he needs a release. He wants more than the short jolts of pleasure racing through his body.

Anything to make his mind forget.

His traitorous heart doesn’t.

* * *

Subaru watches unblinkingly as Kamui walks during the day awkwardly. Violet eyes are blearily blinking, but enough to focus on where he was walking. A scarf wraps around his neck, and at first, Subaru never thought of it much as the weather starts to become more chilly. Kamui’s business isn’t his own to mind. Although he has meant to talk to Kamui since the last time either of them locks their eyes with each other, he hasn’t given a thought about it. Every time he thought about talking to Kamui, his body hesitates. He hasn’t smoked for a long time, there isn’t need of it when Seishirou is six feet below the soil, but his fingers twitched in aching of wanting to occupy it with something.

In his thoughts, he was startled to see a concern Segawa Keiichi running up to Kamui, scolding him and something squeeze inside him at the twitch of a smile the lithe adult offers, his violet eyes shining but not entirely. It takes a while, but Subaru realizes he’s jealous of Kamui’s happiness. Then Keiichi frowns, pulls the scarf that Kamui wasn’t fast enough to hold on to and the sight of Kamui’s neck make Subaru freeze.

Red markings decorate the pale, slim neck. Bites that shown to Subaru that Kamui belongs to another. Someone he doesn’t know.

Subaru's hands curl inwards.

He isn’t jealous; he rationalizes, that doesn’t mean he can’t be protective over someone he didn’t wish to see over five years.

Oddly enough, that didn’t make him feel any better.


	4. IV. Irrational and Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes being an over-thinker with clouded emotions leads to thinking things you don’t see earlier.

Sometimes being an over-thinker tends to be a disadvantage. This is one of those times. He can’t get rid of the mental image of Kamui tangled up in another’s person arms, caught in a loving embrace. They are marking him and adoring him. The thought of it gnaws on Subaru, makes him want to shove his hand into that person’s chest and replace all those bruises on Kamui with something else made by him.

The marks he saw earlier halt his carefully thought out speech or conversation he’d imagined with Kamui. Red and bright, they taunt him, lay a claim on Kamui for everyone to see. Someone that isn’t...his eyes widen at where the trail of thoughts leads and violently shoves them to the back of his mind. He looks up to find Kamui and his friend but sees no one.

Subaru withholds the feeling of irritation and desire to track them down and and...he shouldn’t have these thoughts at all.

He’s complete, at peace, and longs after someone that’s waiting for him when his own life expires. Subaru frowns a bit more.

The marks on Kamui’s neck shouldn’t bother him as much as they do.

So why does the thought of them make him want to growl threateningly and lock up Kamui until he is all he sees?

That Kamui’s neck shouldn’t be marked like that. The skin should remain pure, clean, untouched and Subaru closes his eyes and turns around and walks away. He needs to think more. Needs to know why that the thought of Kamui remaining unavailable bothers him. That those marks should not be there and he grits his teeth when a sudden thought occurs of Kamui press against him with Subaru’s hand pressed against the lower back, Kamui’s hands twining into his hair and pale neck offering with a delicious moan as Subaru presses his teeth against the skin and… Subaru shuts down those thoughts before they can proceed forward.

 _What is wrong with me today?_ His mind wonders incredulously, his heart had beat a little faster but even that it did not stop the confusion flowing into his mind.


	5. V. Bewilderment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kamui is confused; he is sure that Subaru didn’t have an interest in him before. Taking up to stalking though, is a very entirely different situation he should be worried about. It’s just made him even more confused.

Kamui didn’t notice that someone watched him for a while until one of his new friends from after Promised Year pointed out.

“Hey, Kamui-kun?” One of his friends looks at him puzzled.

“Hm?” Kamui hums at his friend from university.

“Did you noticed that someone was watching us?” The violet-eyed adult blinked at his friend.

“No, why?” His friend frowned.

“I keep getting an intense look on my back.” This time Kamui frowned, he scans the area, and for a second he thought he saw a familiar looking man in black and bi-coloured eyes. He blinks, rubs his eyes, and stares at an empty spot. A pause and he inhales a breath, let’s go, but his mind is in disarray with ‘what the hell?’ and ‘I thought he doesn’t want to be found.’

In the end, he dismisses it as hallucination because 1) he doubts that Subaru wants to be found, 2) he been avoiding all the surviving participants for five years now,and 3) It’s not like Kamui doesn’t care at all, but this is giving him a headache he doesn’t want to open up to.

Today’s incident still left him confused. 

* * *

 

Karen was the first to notice and the first to be ready to summon up her flames.

It was during a monthly annual lunch, a tradition they’ve started after Promised Year ended, and it’s been two weeks when Karen notices Subaru from a few tables away from them. She was about to summon her flames when Kamui caught hold of her wrist.

“Don’t.” Karen frowns at Kamui.

“Kamui-kun, he’s the...” Karen whispered furiously. Violet eyes look at her tiredly.

“I know that, and I'm confused as hell as to why he’s here,” Kamui said. Karen thinned her lips to frown.

“Has he been keeping you up all night?” Kamui frowns at this, it took a beat before eyes widen and a furious blush of indignation rises on his cheeks.

“It’s not like that at all!” Despite the situation, Karen laughs gently and ruffles his hair.

“I know, I’m just only teasing you.” The fire mistress said. She drops the question, moving her hand away from the young man’s hair.

“Do they know?” Karen asks. Kamui looks at Karen before looking away.

“If we were talking about the clan my mother was from, I won’t be surprised that they are willing to snatch me up when I graduate.” Karen pursed her lips.

“Are they...?” The corner of Kamui’s lips twitched and spread to a bitter smile.

“Since Kaa-san was the Magami Clan heiress, it wouldn’t be surprising I’ll eventually be engaged in the future.” Karen’s eyes widen.

“Kamui-kun...” Kamui shrugs and swirls at the cup of tea he has in his hands.

“It’s fine. It just gives me something to do. At least I don’t have to wander off.” Kamui murmurs, and he tries to ignore the feeling of Subaru’s eyes focused on him, but it’s proving difficult. 

* * *

Yuuto came with Karen to see Kamui during the next lunch they have together. It would be unsurprising that he noticed Subaru, but doesn’t say much of it until later.

“It seems you have a follower. How long has he been doing this?” Yuuto inquires, and Karen huffs at how Yuuto could remain calm about this.

“It has been a month and a half,” Kamui said, fingering the handle of the teacup while reading scrolls given to him by another Magami relative.

“You kept count?” Violet eyes glanced at the water master. A twitched of his lips as if to fight off a smile.

“Just an estimate.” Yuuto hums at this.

“So where is your usual bodyguard?” Karen asks amusedly. Yuuto blinks in surprise.

“You have a bodyguard, and you didn’t even tell me? I feel so hurt Shiro-kun.” Yuuto said dramatically with a hand on his chest. Kamui rolled his violet eyes.

“Yeah, since summer. The Magami clan doesn’t want the heir of its Clan to die, or so they say. He’s by the tree across from here.” Yuuto blinks, brown eyes glancing at the figure laid against the tree with eyes solely fixed on Kamui. Huh. That was new.

“When do you think he’ll come out and talk?” Karen asks lightly, and perhaps a little coyly at Yuuto. Kamui ignores it, eyes focusing on the scrolls. Ignoring the fact he’s under the scrutiny of two pairs of eyes, which is a feat because he would have fidgeted by now.

“I don’t know, and I frankly don’t want to dwell on it until either of them decided to approach me,” Kamui said curtly, Karen smirks slightly, and Yuuto raises an eyebrow before chuckling.

“Did both of them did something to make you upset?” Violet eyes glanced at the water master before looking back down.

“No, but whenever I approach one of them, they disappear on me. It’s getting me frustrated because I don’t know what I did to deserve this treatment.” Kamui grumbles, irritation clearly in his voice. 

* * *

Yuzuriha and Kusanagi are bemused at this situation, having joined Kamui in the next lunch session a few weeks later. For one, a Sakurazukamori is sitting a few tables away from them. Said onmyoji eyes are staring at Kamui, and Kamui doesn’t bother with it or looking back.

“Kamui-kun, do you think Subaru-san might be stalking you?” Kamui chokes on the coffee he has been drinking, hacks to clear his lungs.

“I can’t believe you suggested that,” Kusanagi said, a little overwhelmed as he pats Kamui’s back helpfully.

“It sort of makes sense.” After the last set of coughs, deep breathes and water, Kamui manages a weak baleful glare at Yuzuriha.

“I highly doubt Subaru been stalking me.” Kusanagi gives a weak chuckle, glances at the said man and finds himself under a...what? He ignores the conversation going on and focuses on the intense if not, murderous glare from Subaru with morbid curiosity.

...did that happen?

He blinks, and the look is gone, but he can still feel the intensity of the stare. He smiles a little weakly.

Touching Kamui equals to a death glare he isn’t sure why it’s occurring now. 

* * *

It was after the visit to Kakyou at the hospital, Kamui huffs and looks over his shoulder.

“Look, you’ve been stalking me for quite some time. If you want to talk to me, go ahead. I’m not going to bite your head off.” Kamui said. There was silence and for a second, in disbelieve and doubt that this approach would work his mind, then Kamui hears a sound. Glancing from the corner of his eye, he sees something black steps in.

A black boot followed by another came out of the shadows, and Kamui looks at Subaru, who stares back. In the back of Kamui’s mind, he can’t believe that Yuzuriha might be right about Subaru stalking him.


	6. VI. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One takes a step toward, but something you said made the other takes two steps backward.

“Are we going to talk?” Kamui asks, as hands a styrofoam cup of tea to Subaru. He watches the other gingerly takes, ignores the way clothed fingers brush his for a second. He ignores the inquisitive and guarded look on Subaru’s face.

“What is there to talk about?” Subaru asks back, and Kamui refrains from rolling his violet eyes. ‘Like you’ve been stalking me since I’ve last seen you? I thought you wanted not to be found, so I have been avoiding places that were our usual hangouts? Like hell, I know what’s up in your mind.’ He can’t say that, because it’s Subaru, he deserves...nope, nope, he isn’t going to go through that.

“I don’t know, should I be worried that you won’t kill me in the middle of the night?” That’s the wrong thing to say, Subaru narrows his eyes at him, and Kamui thanked himself for not flinching.

“You know that’s not true, and you know it.” Kamui lets out a sardonic smile.

“Right, like you didn’t leave when I was wallowing in a year of depression after Fuuma’s death,” Kamui said vindictively, and he feels a perverse satisfaction of Subaru flinching.

“Look, Subaru, it’s obvious that you didn’t want to be found. I’ve respected that. However, I don’t know why that you’ve been following me around these past two months. It would make others worried and confused me as well. What do you want from me?”At first, Subaru doesn’t say anything and Kamui thinks he would probably never get an answer, but it surprises the violet-eyed male that Subaru answered.

“Answers.” Kamui blinks at Subaru’s answer, unsure how to take it.

“Answers?” His former leader echoes the word as if treading into open waters and unsure what lies beyond the boundaries of how much he could clarify because its vague.

“Answers.” Subaru clarifies, looking at him with those bi-color eyes that used to be a pair of greens. Kamui chews on his lip, takes a moment before forcing himself to relax.

“Okay, what would you like to know?” Kamui asks, wonders if he had given in easily to hear what Subaru needed to ask. If he could finally let go of those feelings he had unknowingly had been holding onto. There’s no point of crying over spoiled milk when there is nothing to cry over or as the saying goes.

“I thought Segawa-san is your only friend,” Subaru stated and Kamui shrugs, he hadn’t expected Subaru to keep track of his life. Kamui brushes away the sting of hurt that formed inside of him.

“He still is, I’ve made a couple of others,” Kamui answered nonchalantly a moment later, unsure on how to take Subaru’s sudden curiosity about his personal life. Although the older man was there for him and had seen his memories from that dive five years ago before defecting, answering that question now felt awkward as if two former lovers had met one another after an abrupt parting years later. Kamui mentally snorted sardonically, he and Subaru don’t have that sort of relationship. There’s a boundary that neither of them had crossed and neither of them is willing to step across it.

“Are you seeing someone?” Subaru’s next question startles Kamui, making him look at the Sakurazukamori in surprise before narrowing his violet eyes at him.

“...why do you want to know?” Kamui asks warily, and perhaps he was warranted to do so because _this_ Subaru isn’t the one he used to know. It was foolish of Kamui to hope that the other would let go of the subject, preferring the other man to be free with his own decisions that don’t affect those around him. Maybe it was better if Kamui hadn’t spotted him that day. Perhaps then, it would have been better if Subaru doesn’t choose to be involved with him now.

“Just curious.” Kamui restrains himself from tightening his hold on his paper cup, carefully sipping the hot liquid of his drink and only feeling the warm liquid touching his tongue. Subaru is merely curious, answering that question should be fine, right? The answer is vague, much like the Sakurazukamori’s earlier answer, and Kamui ruthlessly stomps down on the bubbling feeling of reluctant hope because he won’t allow his mind to think otherwise.

“I’m not seeing someone.” Kamui said after measuring his words, didn’t even blink at the way Subaru is looking at him with the scrutiny that is far beyond curiosity.

“...but there is someone.” A sudden wave of shame goes through Kamui at soon as those words, Kamui pushes it down and grits his teeth, why should he feel guilty over this.

“My love life is my own business. Now if that’s all, I’ll be going. My bodyguard is worried about me so to speak.” Kamui said as made a move to leave, and Subaru frowns at him. This information is new to the Sakurazukamori; he hadn’t heard about Kamui gaining a bodyguard. A thought goes through him, that sounds like his late twin in his mind, Hokuto, snips at him for not keeping contact with Kamui for five years, making him wince inwardly.

“Bodyguard?” Subaru echoed and Kamui finishes the drink in his hands, not too keen to stay around any longer. At least get away and putting his attraction for the onmyouji to a rest.

“The Magami Clan. They’ve chosen me as their heir. If you excuse me.” Kamui said with a shrug, ignoring a sting that burns inside of him. Almost as if Subaru didn’t register that someone else had gotten close to Kamui, and that’s a decision should be Kamui alone.

“We aren’t finished.” Kamui inhales, curls his fingers into his palms after throwing the paper cup into the trash. It’s funny how he respected Subaru decision to leave, could understand the reason as to why he would want to. He’s not a teen anymore, and it irritates him for Subaru to continue thinking of him like that.

“I was under the impression that we were finished talking five years ago. Excuse me for not believing that.” Kamui said steely, as much as flat he could muster because he hates himself even more for putting this distance between them. He needs to think, needs to be alone cause...cause that person wasn’t Subaru, but he was still Subaru all the same. That excuse felt flimsy in his mind, but he was going to stick by it.

He hates himself for letting the other slip through his carefully built walls surrounding his heart that only a few get to see. He can count with both hands on who saw it, Subaru was one of them.

Unfortunately for him, Subaru knows him a little too well.


	7. VII - First Steps aren't easy...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He feels his body is in a haze, mind clouded with complicated questions, and he knew there was one person he can talk to that's been in contact with Kamui.

_“I was under the impression that we were finished talking five years ago. Excuse me for not believing that.” Kamui said flatly, hands clenching as if restraining himself._

That image shouldn’t have imprinted into his mind.

Those words shouldn’t feel like hot knives cutting through him effortlessly, especially coming from Kamui himself. Words had lodged in Subaru's being, and any protest of saying anything back stuck in the older man's throat.

Why did he _want_ Kamui to stay so badly?

Subaru was going to get answers, and there was one person he knows of that could give him answers.

His heart constricted at the confirmation to ‘There is someone.’ at the thought that Kamui had perhaps had someone in mind, someone that isn’t him.

That would’ve made him felt happy if he wasn’t feeling numb, and frustrated with wanting to find that person and confront them for taking away the one person besides his grandmother that mattered to him now.

If only Kamui had told him what’s really on his mind, then he would have left him alone.

Easier said than done when one of them is trying to run.

* * *

"I was unaware that you've come by. If I did, I would have given you tea." Yuuto said politely to Subaru in his office, setting a cup of tea in front of him. Subaru looks at him before shrugging, taking a sip of the green liquid before swirling it.

“I was around.” Yuuto looks at him before raising an eyebrow at the Sakurazukamori for that answer.

“Right.” Yuuto drawls, and the silence between them felt as comfortable as much as professionally polite.

“Where’s Satsuki-san?” Subaru asks, having noticed their former teammate absent despite his rare visits to the Water Master. Yuuto hums before he looks over his paperwork.

"In the government building," Yuuto said, he still needs to think what he could do to help the computer genius as she has now given a wheelchair. The doctor said they couldn't help her regain her ability to walk because of BEAST extensive damage on her.

“What do you know of Kamui’s interest?” Yuuto slowly blinks as if not registering the question itself.

“He never spoke of it. Though I heard that the Magami Clan visited him.” Yuuto answers as he looks at the Sakurazukamori closely, notice how he had been staring intently into his glass. He wonders if it was him imagining that twitch of the other man's fingers around the teacup.

“The Magami Clan?” Subaru asks, he only heard about the Magami Clan through the Sumeragi Clan and his grandmother. Those members of the clan are shadow sacrifices. Their lifespans are like candles that flickered in the dark before fading away as soon as they've made a sacrifice for someone.

“His late mother is the Magami Clan’s heiress. It’s only logical that he becomes the Heir to the Clan itself. Did he not tell you?” Subaru looks at Yuuto, analyzing the truth in his words and finding none to be a lie. The Sakurazukamori wonders as to why Kamui hadn't told him this, about his family origins. A chilling thought goes through him if the Magami had approached Kamui to be their Heir, does that mean that Kamui had already _chosen_ someone to give his life for? He doesn’t want to think of it, but the thought that Kamui does rattles him with unease.

“He didn’t.” Yuuto has to blink at the answer, wonders if the Sakurazukamori realizes how much of disappointment found in his words.

“Huh. As for Shiro-kun’s interest, in romantic life, I heard he's close to one of his new friends." Now that got a reaction, Yuuto watches as those glove fingers tightened around the cup slightly before the other man gulps down the warm tea and sets it on the table.

“Thank you.” The Sakurazukamori said as he stands up and about to leave to find Kamui again, a growing urge of _needed_ to be assured, wanted to know if the young adult will be ok.

“You’re not going to finish the tea?” Yuuto inquires, and the Sakurazukamori answers over his shoulder.

“I have little interest in it anymore.” The Water Master blinks, it’s strange to see the change of attitude in the Sakurazukamori. From the shift of dispassionate interests in his body to the evolution of subtle urgency of needing to leave. Odd, the previous Sakurazukamori was never like that, then again he and Yuuto never been in the same room unless required to be.

“Subaru-san, if you want to be on Shiro-kun’s good side again, I would suggest that you don’t hurt his friends. Also please settle that lover’s quarrel you have with him.” Yuuto had meant that as a joke, had thought the Sakurazukamori would brush it off, instead said the man looks at him with furrowed brows and a confused frown.

“What lover’s quarrel?” It was then that Yuuto knew it was going to be a long night since the Sakurazukamori has been unaware of his antics towards the former Kamui of Dragon of Heavens, at least only slightly.

Yuuto brings out a bottle of whisky out from one of his file cabinets. Two glasses from another drawer.

Yuuto offers Subaru whisky. Usually, the onmyouji refused to drink, preferring to smoke, he hadn't for a while, but he stares at the bottle and sighs.

“I’ve never gotten drunk before.” Yuuto raised an eyebrow at this.

"Never? Never in your ten years in your adulthood?" Yuuto asked, a little incredulous on the side. Subaru shrugged, and wow, there is something he didn’t know before. Yuuto blinks and reigns in the urge to laugh suddenly because this was ridiculous. Yuuto saw Kamui gotten drunk on one party, and he was a contemplative and sombre drunk, staring at the liquid and glass as if it held all the answers. 

“Well then,” Yuuto drawls conversationally with a smile on his lips. “there is the first time for everything.”


	8. VIII - High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting high with someone in drinking isn’t what he needed, but it’s a good distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I own Wataru, even though his appearance is based off Ao from Hakkeden.

"Do you want to tell me as to why we are getting drunk?" The man from a few nights ago asks, murmuring into his neck. His hand touching his thigh and glides up and down on it, and Kamui feels the warm hand slides over his jeans.

“I just want to forget some things.” He said, pouring a glass of champagne for himself and his companion. The man hums, his hand moved up from his thigh and drags his nails up Kamui’s shirt, bringing up the black mesh material he wears tonight. Showing the expense of white skin and scars the man couldn't help wonder absently where they come from and what sort of pain Kamui had gone through. Even so, he doesn’t question it.

“Oh really now, so when will you pour out your heart to me?” Kamui frowns at the question presented to him by his date. He twirls the glass stem in his fingers.

"Possibly never." The man beside him hums curiously, leans and nibbles his ear lobe. Kamui stiffens at the touch, surprised and relaxes.

“How cruel of you. I thought you were the type to be sweet and sour.” The man purrs seductively into his ear.

“I’m not t-that cruel.” Kamui stutters. The man smiles, slips his hands away from the warm skin. He takes a sip, sets the glass on the coffee table and slings his leg over both of Kamui’s legs and straddles his lap. Cups his face in a gentle hold, and reads those violet eyes.

"Just like you are hesitating in revealing things to me when you look away from my eyes. Tell me, do I remind you of an ex-lover?" Kamui stills underneath the man’s touch, under the question spoken by his escort.

“We aren’t dating. We just connected as friends.” Kamui said passively. "They threw me away when I was at my lowest and needed them the most. My friends wanted me, but this person is someone that understood me. They... Am I unwanted?" The man frowns and gently kissed Kamui.

“You are not high enough to think depressing thoughts yet.” The man whispers gently, reaches the glass with practiced ease and drinks a sip more before sharing the bubbly liquid with Kamui’s mouth.

“It’s not wrong to feel the need to be wanted, wanted the unconditional love given to you,” The man said as lightly traces Kamui’s face, watches as the violet eyes darken at the slight of grounded hips against his. “and do not receive it from people that don't feel the same. That's what I'm here for since you've asked me to come. Let me take care of you as I did months ago, just for one night to erase your drowning sorrows and grief." The man said with conviction, even when he's a borrowed man, he said it almost like a lover would. It hurts Kamui, hurts in a way because it was practically honest. If he closes his eyes, Kamui could easily imagine another-no, tonight. Kamui doesn't want to think of him.

“You are not just saying those words right?” The man hummed thoughtfully.

"That's correct. I had other people coming to me with these feelings and words before you as well." The man said lightly, puts away his glass on to the table. Proceeded to pluck Kamui’s drink away from his fingers and set it down on the same table. He smoothed an imaginary wrinkle on Kamui’s hand and kissed the inside of his wrist.

“Otherwise I won’t be doing my job well. For now, forget about the person that threw you away. Forget your feelings for them. For just this one night, focus on me.” The man said, once again touching Kamui’s face and lowers his own down slightly.

"Focus on your body's desire, on how much you want me inside you, marking you in such a way that would make anyone jealous of whoever caught you. Let me make you mine tonight." The man presses an insistent kiss on his lips, slips his tongue in, fingers grazing his neck and sliding down his shoulders.

It isn’t because Kamui wanted to feel something else, like a thrill of a rush of being caught, it's the temporary sense of belonging that attracts him. The feeling of wanting to be claimed by someone else that had swallowed his heart whole and shattering it without saying goodbye, he wants to disregard it. That feeling vexes him, and he wants to feel satiated, satisfied with being used. Two strangers are becoming one intimately, using each other to meet their ends for just one night.

The hollow feeling inside of him grow despite the sense of pleasure mounting inside of him, the wrapped cock up thrusting inside him harder and rougher as minutes ticked away. His heart thuds with adrenaline and ecstasy, pumping through it and Kamui’s legs are hooked to his temporary lover's sides, a low moan as he arches when the heat and pleasure flood his body. Clenching his eyes shut and parting his lips with a low moan, there is no sense of shame inside of him, and Kamui ignores the feeling of numbed pain inside of him, crying out and spills his release on the borrowed man like he had done for three years. 

Why save _yourself_ for a perfect match when you can enjoy the thrills of one’s relationship now?

* * *

The man watches as Kamui dresses up, scarf from last time covers his neck and leaves. He observes in a satiated state that whomever it was that threw away Kamui, had to be an idiot.

Still, the man stretches on the bed. It's too bad he couldn't get that beautiful creature to devolve his pain and sorrows to him, licks his lips. Kamui’s heart is sealed tight, which is fine, an amused smirk crosses his lips. Red and blue eyes glittered at the door, remembers the way Kamui’s hips sway, it will not be long until Kamui comes back and he'll claim him once more only if his customer chooses to allow, him to put him back together.

To Wataru, Kamui is a fascinating person to spend nights with and being in his company. It’s incredibly rare of him to find someone that's closed off, one he suspects to have still a pure heart instead of fake emotions Wataru sees from other people.

Wataru thinks back to when he first met Kamui, Kamui had grown drastically from the shy, blushing boy he was before to the person he is now. There is a quiet confidence in Kamui, not overpowering, and subdued emotions he keeps quiet about, and that's what makes Wataru believe Kamui is desirable to continue playing with in the future.

_"You've never done this before. Have you?" Wataru asks as he hovers over a seventeen-year-old blushing Kamui, an amused smirk crawls over the escort’s lips._

_“I-I haven’t.” Kamui stutters, and Wataru can only feel pity for the boy below him._

_"Then I'm honoured in taking your virginity since you've paid a good amount of it." As soon as Wataru mentions it, Kamui huffs and looks away. Wataru let's out an amused chuckle, his hand drifts to the prominent bulge in the teen's jeans and traces it teasingly._

_“There’s no obligation for you wanting to love someone after having sex. What we are doing is merely a transaction, gaining what we both want even if it’s different.” Wataru said as he brings Kamui’s face back to him, finds the hesitation in his eyes are adorable. Wataru cups the straining cock and observes the way that Kamui arches below him._

_“Since this is your first,” He grinds the palm of his hand against Kamui’s strain erection, hears a strangled moan from the teen. "I'll be incredibly gentle with you."_

_Wataru is 23 when Kamui first had sex with him. He never expected the boy to come back. It won't come as a surprise to him if Kamui decides not to continue after he had tucked the boy in the bed of the hotel room they've borrowed._

_It was a month later that Kamui showed up at the store Wataru worked in and came back for more. It became a routine. It was fine for Wataru, as long as it doesn’t hurt to pay for an extra amount of cash to pay for the rent of his apartment._

It'll be gratifying to lay a claim on Kamui’s heart. 

* * *

 

What Kamui didn’t count on as he walked home in a gray toggle coat was Subaru leaning against a bemused Yuuto, drunk as well. 

The irony, if he had the heart to laugh, was that he wasn’t able to get drunk enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Admittedly, at first, I based off the man that was with Kamui as some baseless character until it somehow turned into Ao from Hakkenden: Touhou Hakken Ibun. Ao is my guilty pleasure that I have a slight crush on currently. Like seriously, Hakkenden: Touhou Hakken Ibun is full of pretty boys with a bit of yaoi, but dear god, so many beautiful boys. I'm stuck between having a total crush on Ao or Sousuke.


	9. IX - Haze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hears voices, his mind muffled with sweet clouds, the person he wanted to talk to the most is in front of him, and he sleeps with a voice that erases an ache that he never knew it was there until now. When Subaru wakes up, the voice and that person is gone.
> 
> Featuring: Drunk!Subaru

He downed another glass, the cold, bitter liquid swirls in his mouth and goes down his throat like it's water. It almost makes him cough, and he feels flushed, his body heated up and limbs feels slow, and his hearing sounds like it's stuff with cotton balls. He was about to reach enough when a hand stopped him.

"That's quite enough. Anymore past that, and you will go to the point of no return." A voice, familiar voice, he looks up and sees a man with blond and brown eyes. He knows this person, the name of the person. What was he doing here again?

“Kigai-san?” Subaru slurred out the water master’s name. The blond man sighed. He sincerely never thought that the Sakurazukamori would go overboard in drinking. Drinking too fast, and downing the brown liquid like it’s nothing even when it’s diluted with water. Yuuto frowns. Maybe this was one of the reasons as to why Sakurazuka had taken an interest to the Sumeragi.

“You’ve been drinking too fast. Anymore, you’ll throw up.” Yuuto said, taking the glass away from the onmyouji. Subaru frowns, he doesn't think he's not that ready to call it quits but he is not that ready for images of Kamui threatening to invade his mind. Especially ones where he was deliciously tied up and in his grasp, his face couldn’t get any redder than it is now.

“You must’ve drunk more than I did. C’mon, let’s get you back to your place.” Yuuto offers.

The apartment is empty, just a place as a means of living and where there is no one there and filled with ghosts and regrets.

Subaru nods and lets Yuuto help him up.

Yuuto can’t help but think that one of the reasons Sakurazuka took an interest in Sumeragi is because Sumeragi is a kind and earnest person. 

* * *

The Sakurazukamori leans against the water master, struggling to keep his bearings. Every noise around him feels distant and echoed. _Faint._

“Shiro-kun! Could you give me a hand? He's heavy." The watermaster said. Subaru blinks, he looks over to see violet eyes and chocolate hair a few miles away. _Kamui_.

“Kamui...” Subaru whispers, he isn’t sure whether Kamui hears him or not as he walks towards him. Loops his arm around the other's shoulder, forcing him to shift weight, and he's wearing a scarf like last time. Subaru didn't mean to, but he stumbles on his feet and presses close to the Kamui, making the younger male tensed up.

"Well, that's something," Yuuto mutters.

“I’m afraid to ask, but how did Subaru get this drunk?” Kamui asks, a little half morbidly fascinated and a little worried. Subaru feels content, but he smells something. Something that smells distinctively of sex…

“I offered him whisky, and he told me that he never drinks.” Youth answered. Kamui blinks and tries to steady the older man because he is heavier than him when his ears pick up a growl coming from Subaru.

"Take your scarf off…" Subaru murmurs out. His black bangs overshadow his mismatched eyes. Kamui slowly blinks, stiffens at the low, threatening tone. Yuuto exchanges a look with Kamui, raising an eyebrow at Subaru’s behaviour and watches as Subaru unsteadily straightens up and gently unravel the scarf. Then it clicks on Yuuto as the red marks begin to reveal, and the rest of his train of thoughts follow.

“Who was it?” Subaru asks. Kamui frowns and tries to snatch his scarf back, but Subaru doesn’t let go.

"Why do you care? You didn't want to be found. Isn't that what you wanted?" Kamui retorts and reaches for his scarf again.

"Why? I care because you are the one that doesn't get it." Kamui’s eyebrow ticks at Subaru’s answer.

"I don't get it? You made that message pretty clear when I've been moping for a year and when I did nothing! I'm done waiting. I'm done waiting for death, done waiting for someone to reach out to me and offer some haven. I'm done waiting for thinking that you somehow actually do give a damn, and I can choose to sleep or be with whomever I want! Whomever I was with shouldn't even matter to you, now give me back my scarf!" Subaru narrows his eyes at this, doesn't let go of the scarf, instead pulls the other close, ignoring the fact he had an audience.

“What if I wanted you to wait?” Kamui’s eyes narrow at Subaru's question, stubbornly not wanting to believe the onmyouji’s words.

“Don’t put me through that. Somebody already helped up when you weren’t there, somebody already reached out to me, and they haven’t left me at my worst.” Kamui said, despite being nearby, he tries to reach for his scarf. Subaru grits his teeth.

“I wanted to be the one that mattered to you the most!” Kamui stilled, blinks, his mind went oddly blank at Subaru’s statement.

_What?_

"It's driving me insane that someone else dares to own you, mark you like this, and you are thoroughly enjoying it." Kamui grits his teeth, those words hurt. A gloved hand traces the marks lightly, the most prominent red one, and he outlines it - _don’t shiver, don’t shiver, don’t fucking moan_ \- as if his fingers were his lips and replacing the early enjoyment of the night.

"Let go," Kamui growls out, violet eyes wide as he exchanged a look at Yuuto as if to do something. Anything to stop the hope inside him from rising and plummeting him to the depths of despair. Subaru opens his mouth to say something when he became drenched in water, cold water, and making Kamui soak in it as well.

“Kigai, the fuck?” Kamui snarled, the blonde shrugged.

"You look like you need it," Yuuto said with a smile.

“I needed it? Assh- Subaru? Are you feeling ok?” Kamui’s voice is laced with concern as Subaru sways a bit more and cradles his forehead into his glove hand. In Subaru's perspective, the world around him feels unhinged, unbalanced and is even dizzier.

"I don't feel good," Subaru said, feeling very much like he wanted to throw up. It doesn't take his two companions to figure out what's about to happen quickly. Kamui blanched.

 _Shit_. 

* * *

Somehow they managed to hustle Subaru into a restroom in a convenience store and waited for him until he finished emptying his stomach and acid. When he came out, he finds it was only Kamui that stayed. Kamui stares at him for a while and sighs. He loops Subaru's arm around his shoulders, and half carries and half drags Subaru to his apartment.

Subaru dislikes the smell of sex on his former leader, the lingering scent of another person on Kamui, and tries to pacify those thoughts with things that are related to Kamui and won’t be spoken out. He leans into the other’s warmth, Kamui has always been warm even though he is now a head shorter than Subaru himself and being cold a bit. Violet eyes that have a depth of understanding that sometimes it frightens him. They made it to Subaru’s apartment complex, and Kamui is there, there with him, the older man closed his eyes, and he can easily envision the other holding his hand, leaning against him, smells like him.

“Subaru, I would need your keys.” Kamui’s voice filters into his ears. The vision fades, and he unsteadily brings out a set of keys and drops them into Kamui’s hand. He lets Kamui takes off his shoes, his trench coat, he wants to take off the other's, but Kamui does it himself and turns him around and brings him to his bedroom and sets him on the bed. The violet-eyed man was about to leave when Subaru catches his arm and pulls him down with him.

"Stay," Subaru whispers into the back of Kamui’s head. Kamui tensed again, Subaru nuzzles into his hair. The only place that smells of Kamui and no one else. Slowly the other lets the tension fades away, compact in Subaru’s embrace. Subaru’s own eyes drowsily closed, he feels the other shifted and instinctively tightens his hold. The other never left, merely turning around and perhaps his alcohol-induced brain register that Kamui might stay. He feels the other's fingers gliding over his face, traces his cheekbones, the shape of his nose, lightly over his ears before settling over his lips. Warm fingers pause on them, if he were more awake and sombre now, he would've kissed them; instead, he succumbs into sleep. 

"You never wanted me then, so what changed?" It was a whisper, almost sounded like Kamui feeling uncertain. Subaru internally swears that it was Kamui and it wasn’t a dream designed to torture him.

* * *

Subaru awoke to the dark room with a slight headache and blinds of pink morning light filtering in. His eyes refocus on the space in his arms, heart sinking.

The space that Kamui occupied from the previous night was empty, the evidence that he was there was a glass of water and two tablets of aspirins left on the bedside table. A white note left on the table and Subaru reads the letter. There were multiple of scratched out words, before setting on one sentence.

‘ _Let me go_.’ He doesn’t think he can breathe. His eyes burn because while Subaru is a creature of habits and thought he is done with emotions. Kamui was...

“I don’t think I can.”

...and still is someone that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Part of getting drunk like this is my experience of getting drunk when I was in Australia. Never, ever take a shower when you are very drunk; otherwise, you'll be spewing your guts out twice. That said, I would never do that to the person who was helping me back to the hotel room. That'll be awkward since that person happens to be a close relative of mine.


	10. X - Hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hate is such a strong word, one can agree on, and one can say that you are your own worst critic. Kamui hates himself that his heart is still beating for someone that will eventually break it.

Walking alone and away from a bed that he could have slept in and enjoy the night did little to his meeting with Subaru.

The fact that Subaru might have cared made him smile sardonically.

He is pretty sure that the other man did not want to be found, and to ask him for answers he used to have a privileged to is as mind-boggling, and he doubts it will resolve trust issues he currently has with the onmyouji.

It is not that he does not, but he has trust issues with that man. It hurt, agonizing him emotionally that he is sure whatever he will give will be thrown back at his face and laughable in all the same. Look, there's Kamui, the pin cushion, why not we stick needles filled with depression and despair and inject it to him? Oh, yeah, why not we add in a dose of betrayal and abandonment into his life? That will surely make him happy. Yeah, laughable.

In his year of depression, he craves for a being that understood his pain and guilt like a kindred soul. That being did not come in the form he wanted. It was another. A willowy woman with magenta eyes and magenta hair had reached out to him and offered him solace. It was wrong, it is not whom he wanted, but she offered, she waited, she knew. She watched Aoki and Nataku killed in front of her while being helpless to prevent it, her mother that she loved but tortured her. She knew the pain and the guilt of loving people that reject them or left them to early. She understood them, but the depth of understanding that pain is not the same.

Maybe that is why half of a year later he took her hand, grasps it firmly, and leans onto her like a crutch of a war victim with a broken leg. He leans onto her warmth, craving for the kindness she continues to give, the love of a friend she brings, and maybe that is why he does not hesitate to recover when that year of being caged of self-loathing and feeling that he could have done more ends.

That year may have marked the end of his depression on Fuuma, but it also marks a start of dark clouds that became attached to a person that he stopped reaching for. Subaru. He had not thought about Subaru until accidentally bumping into him after five years. Actually, in those five years, not once the onmyouji had appeared in his mind other than hoping he would come back when he was sixteen. Kamui thins his lips to an almost snarl.

That man has no right to come back into his life and start to talk to him like they were friends again. He has no right to follow him like...Kamui breaths deeply. Subaru is a walking contradiction. Kamui could not say he is not a walking contradiction himself either. From the Promised War, Kamui finds himself surprise there are some things he hates that he hadn't hated before. People that threaten his friends' lives. Those that give up. Those that decide it was okay to emulate Fuuma in whenever he had a relationship that barely lasts for a week to a month. Most of all...

“Shiro-kun! Could you give me a hand? He's heavy." A voice drags him out of his thoughts, and he stares. A sheepish Kigai Yuuto is being leaned on by a Sumeragi Subaru. A drunk Sumeragi Subaru. Violets eyes closed, counts to 10, and sighs. He suppresses the _urge_ to turn on his heel and head for another direction. Even squashing another urge to ignore the duo and pretend the onmyouji was another stranger that decided to be the water master’s drinking partner tonight.

However, Kamui knew deep in his soul. He could not. His mother would be disappointed in him, and his conscious would nag on him until he gives.

He hates himself when his heart clenches at seeing how wasted Subaru is before it begins to stir and reached out for the intoxicated man.

Kamui walks over to them and decides to lend a hand.

It is just _only_ for one night, _one_ night.

Subaru would probably think less of him once he finds out what the Magami elders offered to him after they approach Kamui when he is eighteen.

* * *

 _"You will be our heir, but we will decide your fate." A senior man with violet eyes, stern and in a clean black suit stood before Kamui_. _A day before his graduation from high school._

_“And what would I get in return?” Kamui asks warily, crossing his arms and the senior man frowns at the rudeness in Kamui’s voice._

_"We will help you find your father. Surely you will want to know his whereabouts. He has been actively looking for you." The Magami elder said, and Kamui swallows down a lump, his breath stutters. So many questions form in his mind, but none were pleasant as they are barbed for the person who left his mother and someone that Kamui never met once in his life. His mother never told him about his father, and perhaps it is better that way since it was just him and his mother back then._

_"I have no interest in who is my father," Kamui said, his voice took on a bland tone, if that man wants to find Kamui, he should have come back a long time ago. "I have no plans as to include him into my life nor do I have plans to be involved with my mother's family," Kamui said with a final tone. The elder frowns at him thoughtfully._

_“Then perhaps an offered solution might interest you,” The elder spoke after a moment. Kamui feels a scowl threatening to appear on his lips, and it abruptly dies before it could make an appearance for what the elder offered. "you become the clan heir and father us an heir or heiress, and in exchange, we can find a way to free some of the burdens off of your special person."_

_Kamui’s school bag fell out of his limp hold as he registered the offer the Magami Clan offered him. "I do not have any special person, not anymore," Kamui said with a snarl. The elder remains unfazed by Kamui’s temperament._

_“I believe you know whom I was talking about." The elder said calmly. "After all, he was the one that woke you up." Kamui stood frozen, cold as he takes in what the Magami elder just said. How much does the Magami Clan know of his life? He does not know, but if they know this much, then they already know about what he does on some of his nights. _

_"If I do this, will you leave the Dragons and me alone?" Kamui asks softly, quietly, a spark of anger starts in his soul. The senior man hums in consideration before he holds out his hand towards Kamui._

_"As long as you will keep your end of the bargain, we shall do the same." The elder said, and Kamui takes a breath and reaches out._

* * *

 

Kamui, at the age of twenty, hates the fact that he still cares for someone that had left him five years ago.


	11. XI - Belief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it is easy to believe in a lie, enough to deceive your heart. Today was not that day.

"I am surprised that you care for him enough to bring him here," Yuuto said, eyeing the bathroom in the convenience store before looking at Kamui who leans against the wall.

"Despite my hostility, I can only give him a bit of what he wants," Kamui said, closing his eyes and listens. He can hear his bodyguard waits for him impatiently outside, a little agitated for letting the Clan heir near a well-known assassin.

"I have expected that you would be...overjoyed to see him," Yuuto said after witnessing that little scene earlier. Kamui did not move, just breathing and the current situation does not phase him.

"We have met earlier, and talked. The Sakurazukamori...wanted answers. Answers I rather not talk about.” Yuuto tilts his head at Kamui’s reply, slightly curious.

“Answers?” Kamui shrugs at Yuuto’s question.

"Does this have anything to do with you being frisky with someone? He is acting a little like a jealous guy." Yuuto asks curiously. Kamui’s eyes opened, his arms crossed, one of his hands enclosed around his bicep and gripping it.

"I am not dating anyone," Kamui said quietly. Yuuto hums.

“...but you are seeing someone. It must have ticked him off.” Yuuto said, a little amused. Kamui sighs.

"I am not dating either of them if that is what you are asking. I...just wanted to feel wanted by someone and pretend that they care when they are not. Even if it is just a glimpse, what I have with another person is not real. It is merely a transaction." Yuuto blinks at Kamui’s answer.

 _Well, that is intriguing._ Yuuto thought, his brown eyes look at Kamui to the closed bathroom door.

"Yet, you did not answer Sumeragi with what you told me," Yuuto observed. Kamui tilts his head slightly curiously, as he analyzed Yuuto.

"Whatever you were thinking about, Subaru and I are just acquaintances. He lost those rights when he left. Nothing more." Kamui stated, and Yuuto snorted.

“Yet, you still call him by his given name.” Kamui stiffens, pauses from Yuuto’s statement and frowns at him.

"It is a habit I am planning to cease," Kamui said, leaving no voice of argument, and Yuuto raised an eyebrow.

“Are you planning to kill your own heart?” Kamui blinks at the water master's question, shouldn't it be rather apparent that he is trying to shut himself off from the Sakurazukamori?

"If it is possible, yes," Kamui said. The twenty-year old’s cell phone vibrated in his jacket pocket, he takes it out and flips it open.

 _Clan Meeting, tomorrow at 9 am. You will be meeting your match."_ Kamui reads the text, grips his phone slightly, and relaxes it.

He can do this. He can marry whomever this person is and learn to love them over time. He will not be yanked on his chain by other people, especially not by someone he thought to be his confidant.

"I assume it is good news?" Yuuto asks, intrigued.

“I have to go to Aomori tomorrow. My clan made their decision.” Kamui said as he flips his cell phone closed, pocketing it back into his pocket.

“Already?” Yuuto asks in surprise, and Kamui shrugs.

“...yeah," Kamui said quietly, the single-worded answer sounded dead, even to his ears.

"Don't you think he deserves an explanation?" Yuuto asks Kamui.

"No. Tonight will be the last time he will be near me." Kamui said sardonically. He can do this.

“Yet, we all live in the same city. Are you sure about that?” Yuuto said, watching Kamui as the younger man stuffs his hands into his pockets.

"As much as it is possible to hope that we will not meet again," Kamui said calmly, and Yuuto sighs.

"Then resolve this. I do not think Imonoyama-san will be pleased to find the Sakurazukamori stalking after someone magically powerful.” Yuuto said, the blond man’s phone rings and he checks the message before flipping the screen down.

"I have to go," Yuuto said with an apologetic smile that to Kamui, the blond man is not apologetic at all.

"You are not going to help?" Kamui asks with a curious frown.

“I have to take care of something important. Sumeragi would be more inclined to listen to you than me. See ya around.” Kamui frowns at the water master’s words, wondering as to what Yuuto had meant. The bathroom door opens, violet eyes flickering to Subaru and the onmyouji looks paler than before. Kamui stares a few more, reigns in a sigh that he seems to be doing a lot lately, and proceed to help Subaru get back to his apartment.

* * *

Kamui breathes evenly, body relaxed, to give the other false pretences of being asleep. He waits for the other to fall asleep deeper, and then quietly and carefully extracts himself from the other's hold on him. He quietly retrieved a water bottle from the fridge and two pills of aspirins from the store. His hand shakes heart, going a mile fast. This is going too fast. His mind swirls about what happened.

 _No, no, no, no, no!_ Kamui grits his teeth. Subaru does not need him, does not want him. He is okay with that, entirely for five years. He was being drunk and-! His thoughts screech to a halt.

 _“What if I wanted you to wait?”_ There is no way he can mean that. He squeezed his eyes shut, tightens his hold on his emotions that it felt almost hard for him to breath. He breathes again, and he does not know which hurt more. His heart or the snarled emotions of deep affections he kept away long ago threatening to burst open. He quietly stalks away from Subaru's bedroom after leaving the water, pills and a note on the bedside table. Writing a quick note was equally difficult. Kamui closing the front door behind him and quietly leans against the wooden surface quietly.

 _I cannot falter now. Not when I'm not part of your life anymore. You never needed me._ Hot pricks of water sting his eyes as he laid against the door. His hand covered his closed eyes.

 _Breath. Get it together. Breath fucking damn it! He does not need you! He did not need you when he left, and he certainly did not need you now!_ He takes a shuddering air, water leaks from the corners of his eyes.

 _He does not mean it. He is going to throw you away again_. Those words in his mind hurt him. _So why? Why did you have say that when you never wanted me?_

Leaving i _s_ the most better option. It is the most comfortable choice he has now. Had Kamui thought about this five years ago, it is also the last thing he ever thought about taking.

It never occurred to Kamui, that him running away will only make Subaru want to run after him.


End file.
